How I ended up crouching naked behind a Lazy Boy, hiding from gun fire …
“So, I went on a blind date,” I told Summer over the phone when I’d finally gotten several miles down the road.
“Did he bring his dog?” she said breathlessly, and I could hear a headboard thumping.
“How the hell did you know that, Summer?”
“It’s a joke, you moron. BLIND date? Bring his seeing-eye dog? Get it?”
Summer was the only woman on earth who could have sex, talk on the phone, and make pretty solid jokes all at the same time.
“Oh. Well, sorry I’m not laughing, but dude REALLY DID bring his dog, and wasn’t sure who was who at first.”
“OMG,” she said, and I could tell that she had momentarily paused her merrymaking. I heard her politely whisper ‘In a minute, baby. This is serious.’
“What a dweeb!” she exclaimed, probably at her climax.
“You don’t know the half of it, Summer,” I went on matter-of-factly. I knew there was something arousing to her about talking on the phone and doin’ the dirty. She thought she was being naughty, and secretive, so I just let her go on thinking that it was her little secret, and I continued my bad date saga.
“I said everything I could to scare him. I even told him about being locked up in the looney bin, but he wasn’t even listening. Instead, he jumped up and did a Tai Chi demonstration in the middle of the restaurant … and then he stroked my hand softly and told me that he had soft skin …”
“I know, so I don’t think I can do this internet dating thing ANYMORE.”
“Aww … don’t give up. How ‘bout that tall guy who was your second choice.”
“Yeah, I forgot about him. He is pretty cute … but if he turns out to be another circus freak, I’m through!”
“Just give it another try,” she encouraged as the headboard started banging again.
I let out a deep sigh. Dating was so hard.
“Summer, I feel like this is a job. I feel like I’m an HR manager interviewing someone for the job of being my lifelong soul mate. What, do I need to bring a list of questions next time to ensure that no pets are in any way invited on our first date?”
“It couldn’t hurt.”
“Fine, I’ll go look up his profile again, and see what I can think up.”
“Keep me posted, ho!”
At first, Adam did NOT in any way appear to be another circus freak. He had legs like Red woods, eyes the color of cash, and hair so thick and black that there was no hint of Rogain in his future.
He was wearing a untucked Polo shirt and a pair of khaki pants which ordinarily would have been too “Pretty Boy” for me … but after looking him up and down, I decided I’d let my tattoo criteria slide.
Adam worked at T-Mobile, and so was constantly pulling cool gadgets out of his pockets.
“Have you seen the new Blackberry Slice?”
“No, but it sounds delicious!”
My phone was the shape of Sponge Bob Square pants, and was only capable of dialing numbers and receiving texts. No internet. No picture messaging. No Facebook. No putting it on vibrate and using it as a dildo.
It also shut itself off every thirty minutes just for fun and then refused to ever tell me any of the numbers or texts that I received while it was down. If it were not for that stupid phone, I would have probably been happily married with three kids instead of having to market myself on the internet like some two-bit cyber whore.
“Yeah, it’s awesome,” he said as he showed me something straight out of Star Trek.
All the colors. All the buttons. It was as overwhelming as when I beheld my first calculator watch in the third grade, and I was suddenly glad I didn’t have to worry with such a fancy piece of machinery. I wasn’t sophisticated like Summer. I could barely balance my check book.
I wondered what was next for cell phone technology. Could there be an app that would help me spot a loser? Maybe it could double as a tazer or pepper spray, in addition.
I told him how Summer said her cell phone could chart her ovulation cycle. No need for condoms anymore. Just leave it all up to the latest app.
“So, enough about phones,” he said, apparently not quite as fascinated by my story. “Let’s get outta here.”
“I second that.”
Adam took me to a sushi bar and then to a movie. His phone vibrated in his pocket throughout the entire movie, but he ignored it. I wanted to make a dirty joke, but thought that maybe phone-vibration jokes were a little overplayed.
When we got back to his quaint little garden-style home, he asked me to come inside for a little while. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “sure.”
Summer had agreed to watch Isabella for the night, and I had no other plans for the evening that I could remember.
He opened the door for me, and I stepped inside with great trepidation. After all, he was someone I met on the internet. Would he have frozen heads in the freezer? Would he have a stuffed German Shepherd starting at me from over the fire place mantle?
I stepped in and immediately wished I would have brought my list of questions.
A gigantic pregnant cat was standing on the coffee table lapping beer out of an oversized ash tray.
“Don’t mind Nibbles. She’s just grumpy because she got messed up by the bastard cat next door.”
No, I thought, Nibbles had simply failed to use the ovulation calculator on her cell phone.
“Bad kitty,” I said as she stopped lapping beer and did a swan dive off the coffee table.
I wondered if she should be drinking while she was pregnant.
“Wanna beer?” asked Adam.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
He handed me a Beach Bum.
I plopped down on the couch.
“Look, is there anyway we can hang out in my room? There’s a more comfortable sofa in there, and I promise I’ll be good.”
He gave me a wicked grin.
“Look, I’m not like that, O.K.? I just want to hang out and get to know you.”
He put his hands up in the air as if he were under arrest.
“I completely understand,” he said innocently, as a brown curly tendril fell mischievously over his eye. It was all so Hugh Grant in Nottinghill, minus the illegitimate litter of bastard kittens that were about to be born on our first date.
I decided he was no longer dating material, and immediately cast him into a little category Summer and I liked to call the “Get your freak on one time and never tell a soul” club.
“Look, get me out of the delivery room and we’ll talk.”
Five minutes later we were both quickly approaching naked on the cat-free sofa in his room.
I have no idea how that all happened so quickly, but it had been a long time, and Nibbles the cat wasn’t the only one who was horny.
He had just let out a triumphant victory cry as he unhooked the fourth clasp of my industrial strength support bra when the strangest thing happened.
Suddenly, a hammering fist suddenly assaulted the door with the brutal force of what could only be the FEDs making a meth bust, or his WIFE!
The color drained from his face.
“Are you married?” I hissed as I attempted to hide behind the throw pillow.
“No … it’s my granny.”
I heard the sickening sound of a key picking a lock.
I scurried to put my clothes back on, but it was too late.
The door slung open and there she stood — all five feet and two inches of her –fuming in the doorway and she beheld our butt naked bodies scrambling around the room.
“INTRUDER!” she screamed, as if I were a rapist who had snuck in Adam’s window.
“Adam! Adam! There’s an attacker in your room! Get the gun!” she yelled and then spun around on her heel.
I dove off of him, and went sailing out the door behind her. I would run naked if need be, to avoid being target practice for Granny Glaucoma.
At first I thought I was in the clear. I slowed my sprint down to a quiet tip toe and tried to get around her, but I was too late. Granny may have been blind, but her sixth sense was keen as ever. She whirled around and pointed a gun directly at me.
“Who goes there?” she shouted.
I dropped down behind the Lazy Boy and crouched down into a naked little ball of scardie cat. Nibbles followed me and started licking my ass with her scratchy little cat tongue, but that was the least of my worries.
I peered out from behind the chair. Granny was waving a Smith & Wesson around everywhere while trying to dial 911 from a rotary phone.
Adam was no where to be seen. I assumed he had climbed out the window. Who knows? Maybe he didn’t even live there.
What a way to die, I thought as I tried to hold my breath, and ignore the unwanted advances from Nibbles.
How would the preacher explain at my funeral that I was shot by Glacouma Granny because I raped her grandson. I always knew I wouldn’t “go traditional.”
Fifteen minutes later, I was certain I would implode. The cat hair from Nibbles had created a super sneeze that I’d been holding in for well over a lifetime it seemed.
Ever since the day I turned thirty, my body had suddenly became allergic to every plant, animal, and low carb diet plan known to modern man.
Making matters worse, Nibbles seemed to sense my disdain and became even more fervent with the licking.
I could feel my entire ass flare up with hives, as I watched Granny search the kitchen cabinets for the intruder. How the hell she thought my big ass would fit into a kitchen cabinet was beyond me.
Finally, the cops showed up, and I was actually relieved as I was feeling in need of some protection.
“Look, my granny is legally blind AND crazy,” I heard Adam’s timid voice as he rolled out from behind a china cabinet.
“Please, officer … take her with you,” he begged them.
The two police officers rolled their eyes at each as the blonde one attempted to wrangle the gun out of Granny’s hands. He had nose the size of Jupiter, and probably could have easily knocked it out her hand with a simple nod.
The other officer, the cute one, resembled a young John Travolta.
“I ain’t crazy, sonny. There was an intruder. I saw him!”
I wondered if I should be offended that his granny thought I was a man.
Jupiter Nose finally recovered the gun and I felt a small since of relief that at least I wouldn’t be getting a double-barreled mastectomy.
Adam rolled his eyes.
“Please just leave, officers. This is all so crazy. She’s not even supposed to be here. She had a Bingo game tonight.”
“The hell you say,” Granny piped, “There really was an intruder. I see the car outside.”
“Granny, that’s my friend Joey’s car. I told him he could park it here.”
The hot cop and the ugly cop exchanged a glance that said neither of them wanted to be there.
“Don’t worry, Mrs. McHaney. We’ll check the place out and make sure there are NO intruders before we go.”
“Thank you, officer,” said granny as she continued to look around frantically.
Please don’t sneeze. Please don’t sneeze. My life depended on it.
Nibbles continued to nuzzle the back of my bare ass. Ugh!
I peered back around the edge of the sofa. The hot officer was headed in my direction.
I counted his steps as I saw him coming.
Each foot coming toward me sounded heavier than the one before.
I will never forget the look on Sergeant Sexy’s face when he peered over that couch and saw my naked ass crouched up into a little ball.
I put my finger over my lips and made a little “shhhh” sign. Sergeant Sexy turned bright red.
“Nnnnothing behind here,” he said awkwardly.
Just a butt-naked girl with a cat coming out of her ass.
He moved on to the next piece of furniture. Thank God, Nibbles went with him.
Finally, hours later it seemed, the officers had thoroughly checked the house and convinced Granny that any intruder was long gone.
She still looked suspicious, but finally turned the lights around 1 a.m. and retreated to her room. Adam, who apparently had no idea that I was still behind the Lazy Boy, did the same.
I waited ten minutes after every light in the house went out. I crept out from behind the Lazy Boy and darted across the living room and to the door.
I fumbled with the lock. Doing anything butt naked is always a little more challenging.
When I finally opened the door, something similar to tornado sirens began going off all around me. The Hope Diamond couldn’t have possibly had a louder alarm system.
I darted across the yard with my boobs flopping in the wind as every neighbor within in ten mile radius ran onto the front porch and got the show of their life.
I dove in the car and cranked up the engine. I heard shots firing behind me as granny fired the gun after me. Lucky for me, Granny wasn’t a good shot, but I got a feeling that one of her neighbors ended up having a worse night than me.
Adam called three days later. He said he wanted to see me again.
“It’s about my granny, isn’t it?”
“Adam, I’m going have to be honest with you here. ”
I always thought it kinder to say that I was either seeing someone else or GAY as opposed to the harsh line, “I’d rather be completely alone than to be with you.”
“I’m seeing someone … and I’m gay.”
“Oh,” he said, seeming to get the message.
Suddenly, I remembered the gay waiter from the steakhouse, and I realized he wasn’t so gay after all. He just didn’t want me. Karma, what a bee-atch.